Is it Better to Burn Out or Fade Away?
Presently, I wonder if there could be a third way out. Like something or somewhere where I could do both. Where I could burn bright but without turning into a black dwarf.
Some greats have said it is better to live so totally that you are not afraid of burning out.
Or you could work in your cocoon without taking risks, making sure you get a good pension upon retirement and die a slow death.
Live long or live big?
Sanity or Creativity?
Vagabond or Married one?
These are the questions that keep coming back to me.
When I am going through a high, creative phase I feel like staying up all night either writing or listening to music.
Those days, I harbor the thoughts of sacrificing and quitting everything like nothing else matters.
Then, I would start reading what Cobains and Hemingways and Whitmans had written.
Then there is another drug, aka Music, that wakes me up all night. (I really hope one day it wakes me up all my life)
Then there are days when I think it's better to live long, live sane, live safe.
That's why I decided to get married. Because I got shit-scared after falling into the blackhole for the first time (28).
That's why I am still holding onto something that has little room for creativity. This something pushed me into the blackhole for the second time (35).
But I am still so incredibly grateful to godliness for my pilgrimage to blackholes twice.
Why?
Because that's how I emerged into the whiteholes. A field of surrender and serenity and prayer and gratitude.
And the journey, oh, it was amazing!
I can not describe in words how it felt to be on that voyage.
These Days
Presently, I wonder if there could be a third way out.
Like something or somewhere where I could do both.
Where I could burn bright but without turning into a black dwarf. I mean without exhausting my fuel.
In fact, that place will or should do the opposite -replenish my batteries.
Where I give my everything and receive more in return.
Where I don't feel used but utilized.
Where this question of burning out or fading away disappears.
Still looking for a home in a world where I belong! (Again, Switchfoot coming to rescue).
//"Until I die I'll sing these songs / On the shores of Babylon / Still looking for a home / In a world where I belong / On the final day I die / I want to hold my head up high / I want to tell you that I tried / To live it like a song / / And when I reach the other side / I want to look you in the eye / And know that I've arrived / In a world where I belong".//
